Sunday, January 10, 2010

Roller Coaster Ride

The fun part of the roller coaster: So this weekend we found a home a place to rent in Puyallup. We still are not ready to buy & won't be for a few years. We want to make sure that we are staying put before home ownership again. But its actually bigger then our old home {1770 sq ft} with a huge master with a huge walk in closet just what we need for all Stephen's cloths.. yes you heard me right STEPHEN'S {the man has tons}. But its has nice new carpet paint finishes & flooring. Its a bit more then we wanted to pay but well worth it for all we are offered. But making that decision was super stressful & time consuming.. its sucks moving & finding a place to fit & especially when you are not that familiar with the area. But this will be great for our family. I will no longer feel like a single mom anymore who's baby daddy visits us for an hour or two a night & once a week & Sundays. I swear for almost a year now.. Stephen has left our house in the morning at 6:15 am & most nights doesn't even get home before 8 pm. So lets just sum it up as a rough past year.. I mean I love staying home & raising Shiloh but I miss my husband & having his help at the end of the day. So it will be nice to have him home by dinner & to help get Shiloh ready for bed. We move on the 29th YAY.

The bumpy not so fun part of the roller coaster: So this part I am not going to get into too much detail because they are issues I am super sensitive about & not wanting to share exact details on my blog or really with anyone to be honest its something between Stephen & I {it has nothing to do with our marriage either} Anyways.. this weekend for some reason I was an emotional wreak!! I never cry I can't remember the last time I had a good cry... I mean I cry in sad movies & I am an emotional person & I tear up but never cry so much that I can't hold it in or that my eyes swell up the size of golf balls & my eyes bright red making the green in my eyes something wicked. But man for some reason I was a wreak the other night. There are issues I have that I am still learning to deal with, except, come to terms with, understand & voice. But I am unsure how sometimes. I think I just hit my boiling point this weekend & man did it come out. I haven't felt so sad, scared, helpless or angry ever before over this issue then I did & it was horrible. If I could say I hate dislike anything {which I refuse to ever use the word hate} it would be to show I am vulnerable to anyone.. how sad is that. I for some reason feel it shows me a s someone who is weak & I don't want anyone to perceive me in this way. But even Stephen, I have a hard time crying in front of & for the life of me I don't know why??? {OK well I sort of do but that is whole other topic that I am not touching on EVER!!} But anyways I had to make some choices as a mother, wife & person that were not easy but I truly believe that when your gut tells you one thing you should ALWAYS listen to it so I am. I never want to feel this kind of sadness again.. I hate loosing control of my emotions & not knowing how to get a grip BUT at least now I have come to an agreance & understanding with Stephen on a certain issue & he understands {I pray} & from here on out I should never feel the kind of emotion I felt the other night. What I love about my husband even if he is stubborn & non confrontational, is that when I show how much something means to me or something that really touches or hurts me deeply he is always there to listen show concern & make it better & that is why I love him So Very Much!!

The scare but finally the end of the ride: So while we were out today at the Wedding Expo we had my in laws watch our monkey. When we were done we called to check on her to find that she had fallen & bumped her head. They told us they called us but ended up having to leave a voice mail {I can't stand when I don't hear my phone in time of need}. They don't call unless it is something super sever so I was in panic mode. We were eating lunch & again I didn't want to show I was vulnerable but deep down I wanted to run out of there to the car & speed as fast as we could over there to make sure my princess was OK. They said they had been icing her bump & that she had stopped crying & was fine now but as a mom {& I am sure most can agree} when your baby is hurt you want to always rush to their side. So we left & after the hour long drive to pick her up she seemed fine & in good spirits aside from the huge bump & bruise above her left eye. I think my in laws no my mother in law was more shook up over the incident then Shiloh was. My poor mother in law felt horrible & still does which leaves me feeling sad for her. I reassured her that she was fine & I even called the on call doctor on the way home to make sure & then again had Stephen call her this evening to let her know she was fine. Even though I still have to wake her in her sleep {to make sure she comes too & does not have a concussion} in the middle of the night, she has not done a thing out of the norm. Was still the happy. very active. talkative toddler that I love so dearly.. & I thank God for watching over her this weekend & for keeping her simi safe. I have learned as a mom that accidents happen, kids fall & get hurt but they are tough & heal quickly. But mostly I have learned that everyday is a new challenge as a parent or even grandparent & I learn something new weather it be good or bad.. put we always make it out OK & I can only thank God for that & for watching over us.

Well its late I am going to check on my baby & head to bed.. this roller coaster was a draining one for sure & I have been looking forward to my bed all day long. Goodnight & sweet dreams.

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