Friday, February 12, 2010

Memories of Alexis

Tonight I found a blog about a little baby girl who drowned in her pool at age two. Her fourth birthday was on the 10th.. what a sweet but sad story. It brought me back to when Alexis, our neighbors daughter who drowned in her pool when she was only a year old. I remember that day like it was yesterday & its a day I will never forget. I remember her laughter, her brown curly hair, her bright beautiful eyes & smile that could light up a room & I see a lot of Alexis in my daughter even thought there is no blood relation. I was in Fifth grade when Alexis passed & it wasn't the first person to pass in my life but it was one of the saddest & hardest to except for me.
I was home sick that day or I guess you could say playing hooky.. I remember thinking about going over to Alexis' house to play with her but hesitant because I didn't want my parents to know I wasn't really sick, so I stayed home instead. I remember I was watching General Hospital (I know I was way to young to watch that show but my babysitter had me hooked) & there was a breaking news story.. that is when my sisters where on there bawling their eyes out screaming & down on there knees.. I instantly started crying because I was so afraid & I hurt & my heart froze. Then the news broke that an infant was found in her pool by her father & they were unable to revive her. They said that her dad (who worked nights while the mom worked days) had taken a nap while Alexis was asleep & while he was asleep she climbed out of her crib unlocked the patio door & fell in the pool. They said that from the weight of her diaper & her inability to swim is what lead to her drowning. I remember them saying it was around noon or so & it crushed me because that was right around the time I was debating to go over there. I remember my mom getting home & the tears in her eyes & I knew she felt the pain that any mother would feel. When my sister Nicole came home I remember her not wanting to talk & just hiding in her room crying.. I remember our house was a sad quite house for days maybe even weeks after this. For years I have beaten my self up.. asking why "Why didn't I just go over there if only I would have she would still be with us". Now as I write this my heart hurts & I feel the sadness that I have never dealt with or talked about sit in & my heart breaks. Michelle (her mother) I don't think ever moved past it but her dad continued living in the home.. but Michelle moved away. I remember my sisters where allow to attend the funeral but I was not. My mom thought that I was just too young.. which at the time made me angry but now I understand. I remember my sisters taking me to her grave sight later & showing me her beautiful butterfly gravestone (which was perfect & is why I have loved butterflies ever since) & I remember my life forever being changed from the moment on. I remember as a kid when I was having a bad day or just needing to escape (which I did a lot) riding my bike to the cemetery (which was down the street from our house) & sitting there talking to her or just sitting there. I never told anyone about doing that.. I thought they might think I was silly but I remember going there once & seeing Michelle there all alone crying.. & my heart just ached. Now as a mom I think because of Alexis I am so protective.. so afraid of leaving Shiloh or putting my trust in anyone watching over her because of this.. I am so afraid of ever having to experience a loss of a child & because of that I am the over protective over barring mom but I am OK with that because it means she is safe.. I don't think my heart could handle loosing her. Most don't know of Alexis.. I have only told a few people because I can't seem to make it through telling the story without crying or having anxiety but I miss her & think of her often. I have always said even before I was a mom that I would NEVER have a pool.. No Exceptions ..not even when my children know how to swim.. & I am still staying strong to that & I know I always will. I haven't been to her grave sight in many many years but I have driven by the house.. & every time.. I get choked up & I wonder what would be if she was still with us today.

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