Monday, April 26, 2010

Confusion

Self Confidence.. oh how that word haunts me. I am not one to have self confidence I never have.. weather it be my body, in work, my writing abilities, when has come to meeting new people or interest in men. I just don't have it.. I try so hard to act as though I do but I don't.. at least not the self confidence that I want to have.

So I signed up to be my own boss through a new company selling beauty products.. once I had talked to my friend about how well she was doing & all the awesome benefits the company has to offer I was sold.. & thrilled to finally make some money doing something I know I would love. After a few days reality has set in now.. I am so scared of failing, of not achieving the goals I want & for me to not have the self confidence that I know I need.

Its really frustrating to feel this way. Its like once I talk to someone from the company I get excited all over then.. when I sit down & look at all that is involved I am so overwhelmed that I just don't want to go any further. I don't like feeling this way.. I don't like feeling confused on what I should do or how I should feel. I am so scared at failing & I am even more afraid to invest & it not be a positive career path for me. I keep telling my self that I can do this that I do have what it takes.. then in the back of my mind I am left questioning myself... ugh!

I also have a job interview on Wednesday morning in Seattle working for a medical company making pretty good money.. I have already passed all their assessments so that is a good thing.. but now again I am worried that going to the interview is a waste. I am scared that I won't have what they are looking for or that since I have been staying home for the last two years they will be scared to hire me.. I am also scared that all the events we have coming up will prevent me from accepting the job, then there is also the worry of what if I get pregnant & can't work then I wasted their time & what if I continue to work until we have the baby then find I no longer want to? We know that Shiloh is ready for school & that she will love it.. but will I love not spending my days with her?? I am so scared & confused right now..

To continue staying home caring for Shiloh & babysitting on the side..
To stay home & also sell beauty products on my own terms...
or
To return to working a full time job??

These are the questions I have in my mind & I am having such  hard time deciding.. why do something have to be so difficult?

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