Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Feelings on Fertility

So yesterday I took my first round of the clomiphene or clomid as most know it by. I had to wait longer then I wanted to start it because my cycle once again went off track.. so of course I was excited & thought I was pregnant. But on the 44th day into my cycle the lovely aunt flow paid a visit. I was happy but yet sad.. so many emotions come from trying to conceive I just am at a loss for how to feel any more. I get excited talk to friends about it & then she shows up. For a few months my cycle was regular for probably the first time in years!! So of course I was super happy & it made me feel so hopeful.. but it didn't last long for me to fall off track again & for all those sad frustrating feeling to return. For a YEAR now we have actively tried for another baby.. & for people who are in the same boat or who have had fertility problems themselves know that its draining.. all the hope that comes with it starts to turn to sadness frustration & for me.. made me not even want to try anymore. For people who don't have problems conceiving who can get pregnant without the waiting or having to go on fertility you would never understand.. at least not like someone who has gone through it. I don't want anyone to think that I am ungrateful because I am far from that I feel so fortunate to have Shiloh who was a miracle baby & who was conceived naturally. I thank the man above for giving us her & for allowing her to be the center of our world. I just want another baby for her to have a sibling & for us to have two {or 3 or 4 or even more} miracles to love & care for.
If you don't know me on a personal level then you would not know how much I LOVE CHILDREN. Since I was a little girl I have always been a mom, weather it was to my dolls, cat {RIP Scooter}, cousins or just the neighborhood kids. I have ALWAYS dreamed of the day that I could have a real baby & be the mom that my mom inspired me to be. I remember telling my mom for my 16th birthday I didn't want a  car like most teens want, I wanted a mini van so I could have it for when I have all my babies. Being a mom was always my dream & I now love that I am one.. I just want at least one more.
I always wanted a house full of kids.. I think the sound of little feet running through the house & laughter is the most amazing thing. I love hearing Shiloh giggle & run around moving the furniture playing with her toys.. being a mommy to her babies. I love cuddling with her & spending my days with her.. while most people dream of having their dream career as a nurse, lawyer, manager of a company or to own their own company.. my dream was to be happily married & to be a stay at home mom. Looking at Shiloh & knowing she is my daughter.. is something that as a mom makes me so happy & at times even tears me up because I feel so lucky to have this life & this beautiful child. To this day I still sometimes go.. "Am I dreaming.. I am really a MOM.. Life is good.. really good" and smile because this is all I ever dreamed of. I have the most amazing supportive husband who stands by me & loves me at times more then I deserve.. I think when you have someone amazing to share you life with & someone who is an amazing father it makes you want babies or more babies in my case.
So as we start this new chapter with trying for baby #2 I am excited, hopeful & yet scared. I am excited that I am taking clomid & that my chances of conceiving are higher now, hopeful because so many have conceived on it & yet scared that I am going to be one of the ones that it does not work for. I have to stay positive though I am not a negative person & honestly can't stand people who always complain or who are negative so I am not going to turn into my worst nightmare.. I am just going to keep an open mind.. continue thanking God for all he has blessed me with & remind myself each day that everything happens when its suppose to not necessarily when we want them to! I know I am suppose to have another baby or even babies... I know that Shiloh is not made to be an only child that she is meant to be a big sister..  & I know that if we can't have a baby naturally there is always Option B.. Adoption, which I would still love to do even if we are able to conceive. I think for now its taking one day at a time.. start enjoying the process & stop looking at it as something that could turn out to be nothing & look at it as something that can turn into something wonderful. So wish me luck & I will keep you posted ;-)

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