Friday, October 22, 2010

30 Day's Of Truth Day 1

So I swore I wasn't going to cave & participate in this because I have a lot on my plate right now.. but it just seems so fun.. so I am going to commit.. & pray I have the time to stick with it!

Here is the list of Questions I am to answer honestly for the next 30 days..

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Day One: Something I Hate About Myself
Well I'd like to think there isn't anything I hate about myself. Hate is such a strong powerful word that makes me cringe but since I have to be completely honest here I will answer the best way possible.
For years I have hated that I was never the skinny girl, the pretty girl or the most popular. I hated that I felt like I had to fight for every relationship weather it be a boyfriend, friend, family member or even co-workers. 

My self esteem has never been that great.. its actually horrible.. but I have learned to hide it very well.. but people who know me best know that I am my own worst enemy! As far back as I can remember I have always felt second.. I felt like no matter what it was I was always second choice, second place, second best, second second second. I know it sounds silly & it probably is.. but until I met my husband I never felt like I was #1 & well even with him at times I feel second {sorry babe} & I know that would kill him to know that.

I mean I don't feel the need to always be #1 or to come first but for the longest time I didn't even know what 1st felt like. So it always made me feel unpretty, unappreciated, unloved & unwanted. You know that song Unpretty By TLC well I related to that song on so many levels when it came out.. LOL its silly I know. I fought for so long to be noticed, heard & for the feeling of acceptance that it turned me into this depressed fake person.. this person I hated more then the person I was fighting so hard not to be.

Life in my early 20's to mid 20's was hard. I moved across country to be with my father hoping to have a relationship with him & his new wife in hopes that I would come first.. not realizing I was to old to be my father's first that his new wife was. {totally okay with that now} My relationships with men where never stable or healthy. My friendships were pretty good.. I had a few close friends & that was all I needed. But I still felt alone. I went through a lot of depression & self searching.. & had a lot of heart ache & hurt happen that left me feeling even more so second & alone.. which in the end in fact made me alone.. completely for a while.

Then in mid 2007 I was at my boiling point. I was tired of being bullied, tired of the emotional abuse & tired of feeling second so I left my boyfriend, moved in with a girl who was really my only friend where I was living, stopped allowing hurtful people affect me, & I just starting putting me first!! I stopped caring about what everyone thought. I stopped trying to impress & stopped worrying so much about the what if's & just lived. I had fun.. but too it was lonely.. but I did learn how to put me first in away & that was good thing.

I then met Stephen.. he chased me.. literally.. everywhere I went he was there or he would show up.. scary I know.. but you can't blame him for going after what he wanted right? It freaked me out though. I never had a guy chase me.. at least not that I noticed. So I ran.. I ran so fast. I mean who was this guy? I asked myself. I have searched my whole life for someone to put me first someone to make me their #1 & here he was & now I was afraid.. LOL! Well aren't we most afraid of the things that are unfamiliar.. things that we have never felt or gone through? I know I was. So for months this crazy man chased me.. & I ran.. & then it hit me.. I was running from the exact thing I was wanting & needing & had been searching for for so long. I then realized how blind I was being but it was almost too late.. he had one foot out the door.. but we were able to come together.. & I was finally #1 & all that hate & anger I had built up.. all the hurt & loneliness was gone.. & I was in my own little world of love & we lived happily ever after & that hate I had inside disappeared.

I won't lie.. I am still insecure though.. but not about being second or unloved.. that is for sure & the only thing I hate about myself is I don't always see how lucky of a girl I really am to have such love in my life ❤

"True love can blind you but at the same time if you let it, it can also open your eyes."
Source Unknown

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xo Melissa


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