Friday, October 22, 2010

30 Day's Of Truth Day 1


So I swore I wasn't going to cave & participate in this because I have a lot on my plate right now.. but it just seems so fun.. so I am going to commit.. & pray I have the time to stick with it!

Here is the list of Questions I am to answer honestly for the next 30 days..

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.


Day One: Something I Hate About Myself
Well I'd like to think there isn't anything I hate about myself. Hate is such a strong powerful word that makes me cringe but since I have to be completely honest here I will answer the best way possible.
For years I have hated that I was never the skinny girl, the pretty girl or the most popular. I hated that I felt like I had to fight for every relationship weather it be a boyfriend, friend, family member or even co-workers. 

My self esteem has never been that great.. its actually horrible.. but I have learned to hide it very well.. but people who know me best know that I am my own worst enemy! As far back as I can remember I have always felt second.. I felt like no matter what it was I was always second choice, second place, second best, second second second. I know it sounds silly & it probably is.. but until I met my husband I never felt like I was #1 & well even with him at times I feel second {sorry babe} & I know that would kill him to know that.

I mean I don't feel the need to always be #1 or to come first but for the longest time I didn't even know what 1st felt like. So it always made me feel unpretty, unappreciated, unloved & unwanted. You know that song Unpretty By TLC well I related to that song on so many levels when it came out.. LOL its silly I know. I fought for so long to be noticed, heard & for the feeling of acceptance that it turned me into this depressed fake person.. this person I hated more then the person I was fighting so hard not to be.

Life in my early 20's to mid 20's was hard. I moved across country to be with my father hoping to have a relationship with him & his new wife in hopes that I would come first.. not realizing I was to old to be my father's first that his new wife was. {totally okay with that now} My relationships with men where never stable or healthy. My friendships were pretty good.. I had a few close friends & that was all I needed. But I still felt alone. I went through a lot of depression & self searching.. & had a lot of heart ache & hurt happen that left me feeling even more so second & alone.. which in the end in fact made me alone.. completely for a while.

Then in mid 2007 I was at my boiling point. I was tired of being bullied, tired of the emotional abuse & tired of feeling second so I left my boyfriend, moved in with a girl who was really my only friend where I was living, stopped allowing hurtful people affect me, & I just starting putting me first!! I stopped caring about what everyone thought. I stopped trying to impress & stopped worrying so much about the what if's & just lived. I had fun.. but too it was lonely.. but I did learn how to put me first in away & that was good thing.

I then met Stephen.. he chased me.. literally.. everywhere I went he was there or he would show up.. scary I know.. but you can't blame him for going after what he wanted right? It freaked me out though. I never had a guy chase me.. at least not that I noticed. So I ran.. I ran so fast. I mean who was this guy? I asked myself. I have searched my whole life for someone to put me first someone to make me their #1 & here he was & now I was afraid.. LOL! Well aren't we most afraid of the things that are unfamiliar.. things that we have never felt or gone through? I know I was. So for months this crazy man chased me.. & I ran.. & then it hit me.. I was running from the exact thing I was wanting & needing & had been searching for for so long. I then realized how blind I was being but it was almost too late.. he had one foot out the door.. but we were able to come together.. & I was finally #1 & all that hate & anger I had built up.. all the hurt & loneliness was gone.. & I was in my own little world of love & we lived happily ever after & that hate I had inside disappeared.

I won't lie.. I am still insecure though.. but not about being second or unloved.. that is for sure & the only thing I hate about myself is I don't always see how lucky of a girl I really am to have such love in my life ❤

2007
2010
"True love can blind you but at the same time if you let it, it can also open your eyes."
Source Unknown

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thank you for visiting & leaving me your thoughts

xo Melissa

Labels

Shiloh (91) Pictures (85) Babbling (75) Baby #2 (56) Gabriella (39) Family Life (29) Wordless Wednesday (29) Video (25) 30 Day's of Truth (23) Baby #3 (22) Top 2 Tuesday (20) Flashback Friday (18) Family Fun Days (15) Not Me Monday (14) photography (14) Holiday's (12) SOOC (11) Birthday/Anniversary (10) Blog (10) Decor Ideas (9) A Picture To Remember (8) Life (8) Medical Issues (8) Friday Fives (6) Hair (6) I Heart Thursday's (6) New Years Resolution 2011 (6) Stores I love (6) Crafty Ideas (5) Decor (5) Food (5) Post-It-Note-Tuesday (5) Stream of Consciousness (5) Weight Loss (5) Loss (4) 365 Project (3) Church (3) Domestic Violence (3) Emma (3) Family Photo's (3) Not My Child Monday (3) Organization (3) QOTD (3) Stories of lost loved ones (3) Wish List (3) "OH MOM" Monday (2) ACTS Retreat (2) About (2) About Me (2) Goals (2) My Story (2) New Features and Updates (2) Photo Challenge (2) Prayers for this Blog Family (2) Religious (2) Sandra Kay (2) Schedules (2) cleaning (2) 30 Photos (1) 8 years (1) Baking (1) Before Photo's (1) Blog Awards (1) Blogging about other Blogs (1) Budgeting (1) Chemicals (1) Cookies (1) Day Off (1) Donate (1) Easy Meals (1) Epilepsy (1) Facebook Mama's Group (1) Faith (1) Friday Photo Challenge (1) Friends (1) Friendship (1) Gifts (1) Giving (1) Healthy Eating (1) Homemade (1) I am back (1) Meal Ideas (1) Meals (1) Minivan (1) Money (1) Motivation (1) My Job (1) New Friendships (1) Paper Mama Photo Challenge (1) Pinterest (1) Prayers (1) Pregnancy Progress (1) Reason (1) Recipes (1) Relgion (1) Scentsy Independent Consutlant (1) Shopping (1) Show Us Your Life (1) Sleep (1) Tags (1) The Walking Dead (1) Throw Back Thursday (1) To-The-Top (1) Toxins (1) Vegan (1) Vegetarian (1) Weigh in (1) What I'm Loving Wednesday (1) Workout (1) Your Health (1) after photo's (1) blogging again (1) dehydrator (1) healthy snacks food (1) kids (1) love (1) marriage (1) norwex (1) readers (1) self help tools (1) shakeology (1) snacks (1) stats (1) strawberries (1)