Day Three: Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For
Gosh this is a hard one. Let's see.. I would say I need to forgive myself for the poor choices I made as a child. When I was younger I went through sever depression.. I held all my emotions in. I was dark & sad & got into a lot of trouble. My mom says looking back now I wasn't that bad.. but I think she is just being nice & doesn't want me to feel bad. But I know I was horrible. I put my parents through a lot. From fights, to running away, to drugs & drinking to saying really hurtful things. I was not the child I hope my children grow up to be. I have no regrets.. I learned a lot from all my mistakes but I do feel horrible about most of my choices back then.
I had a lot of anger inside.. I have a lot things that have happened to me that I didn't know how to deal with.. & honest I am not sure if I still even do. My parents divorced when I was very young & both are remarried which I love both my step parents very much but I think that the divorce & the reason's for the divorce are what caused me a lot of pain & anger. Then there are other family things that I am not willing to speak of freely on my blog that have really haunted me & caused deep damage. So I know that my up bringing wasn't picture perfect but I know neither of my parents meant for any of it to happen. But I do think it caused a lot of pain on me.
I went to three middle schools. One being in Indiana because I begged my mom to let me live with my Aunt because I just needed to be away from everyone. Then even my aunt I think couldn't handle me so I was sent home at the end of my 8th grade year. Then for high school I spent mostly at an alternative school for girls called Pace Center For Girls which change & helped me for the better in so many ways. I learned to open up & build friendships. My Social Worker was the most amazing person & still is. She made me aware that all the bad wasn't my fault & really helped me grow & overcome all the things that really were hurting me deep down. For that I owe her in so many ways. Thank you Tara!!
Then when I turned 18 I thought that meant I was mature enough to make my own choices & I again went into the teen from hell stage. I ran away after some more bad things happened. My mom & stepdad & I just could not get along.. life was hard.. I felt alone.. so I moved to my dad's. I think doing that really helped me. I learned to be independent. I graduated from High School which almost didn't happen. I built healthy friendships. Life was good but I did allow men to control me & that was not good. That too is something I need to forgive myself for.. I blame myself for the emotional & physical abuse that a few of my past boyfriends caused. I now realize that non of it was my fault & that they were wrong.
Sorry this is a little deep.. didn't mean for it to go that way.. but my fingers just took over the keyboard! But this is something I am still learning to forgive myself for.. my past. I need to realize it all happened for a reason & that all of this made me the person I am today & I think I have turned out pretty well at 29. I have been through things that most pray they never have to but it's made me a stronger person & more aware, so I have to look at it as just that.. & be thankful that I have the life I do now.
|My old party crew in 1999.. & yes that is me front & center with my eye's closed!|
Here is the list of Questions I am to answer honestly for the next 30 days..
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.