Friday, December 17, 2010

Stream of Consciousness.. & It Begins...

So I am starting to get a lot of anxiety about having this Bean. I mean I am super excited & I can't wait to have another little miracle baby in my arms, but I am also so scared I am going to fail my girls & husband. I am scared I am not going to be able to share my time & love & that Shiloh or Gabriella may not feel as loved as the other.  I am scared that it's going to be a lot & I am going to be overwhelmed & have no one to help me or turn to. {I think that is mostly because I have no family here except Stephen's & I wish I had my sister or mom living near by} I am scared that Shiloh is going to think we replaced her & not be the happy, loving child she has grown into. I am scared she is going to loose her glow & turn into an unhappy child.. & that is something I could never forgive myself for.

I know that most are going to say that these feelings are totally normal.. & you are all probably right.. but either way I am scared. Sometimes I ask myself did I have another baby too soon? Then of course the guilt sinks in for even thinking that & then I remind myself that if I hadn't of gotten pregnant when I did I may have never been able to have another baby. I just never want to do anything that hurts my family.. & I am just really scared.

I am such a protector when it comes to my babies happiness & well being & to some I go way above what I need to.. but its just who I am & I can't help it. I mean I can't stand to leave Shiloh with anyone.. I am okay with leaving her with Stephen for a little while but to leave her for more then a few hours is hard & to leave her more then a day.. well I turn into this not so happy worried person.. like my heart has been ripped out. I mean she is my sidekick, my best friend.. as we tell each other & when she isn't around I feel less of a person. I know that is so ridiculous to say about my two year old but I have her every day. We wake up together, we take naps {most the time} together, we cuddle, color, we have talks about our day & when things bother us, we learn new things & sing & dance.. we just have a blast together so when I think of not having her or having less of that my heart hurts.

I keep making promises to myself to make sure to do this or make sure to do that. Make sure you involve Shiloh in every part of this new Bean.. to have her help me feed, change her, bath her & to help bond together. I keep buying Shiloh things because I feel a little bit of guilt for feeling like pooh for so long & not having my full energy to be what I consider the best mom. I find myself crying at the thought that she may in time think I don't love her as much because of the new baby.

I just love both my girls more then anything & I just want to make sure that I provide them with as much love & attention as I do the other. My mom says with the second baby it may be harder to hold the baby as much & that doesn't sit well with me. I keep making list in my head of what I need to make sure to do & what I need to make sure not to do.

Shiloh has been sleeping in our bed again & even though deep down I know she needs to be in her bed for ALL OUR sakes I can't stand to see her feel like we are pushing her away. So she sleeps with us. Lately she has also been acting out & has this new attitude that we call the 15 act.. because she literally acts like a mad 15 year old LOL & I am worried its because she knows there is change to come.

We have most the baby stuff up in our spare room. I can't call it a nursery because its kind of a mess of stuff LOL. Crib, changing table, bassinet, 2 shelves of baby care needs & then a half full closet of Gabriella's clothes & what nots & not to mention her swing.. car seat {the old one} bouncer & soothing glider. Then the other half is a TV we don't use on a TV stand we don't use, a broken lamp & a box full of linen's we don't have a place for since we don't have linen closest where live & then the pile of Christmas presents are in there too since I know better then to trust my all too curious two year old to put them under our tree. But apart of me feels guilty for not having a dedicated room for Gabriella. Then I also feel guilty because Shiloh wants so desperately to  play in there & to check things out but we had to put the gate up because of the presents.

It's just all starting to sink in that now I not only have to divide my time two ways between my hubby & Shiloh which most of my attention goes to Shiloh {I know my poor hubby} but now between three people who are my everything & I don't want to fail them..

So I pray that I can still strive as a mom & wife & provide the love & attention as I always have & that we have a happy loving home as we always have & that no one feel less loved or forgotten. I know God will not give me more then I can handle & I have full faith that I will succeed.. but I still am going to doubt myself from time to time.. I think its only normal right?

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xo Melissa


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