Thursday, February 16, 2012

Mommies State of Mind

So yesterday I had my 30 week check up. My blood pressure was up a bit but I think its just because she is getting so big it's making my body work that much harder to carry this bump around. I am measuring 31/32 weeks so that makes me believe she will be here sooner then we thought which makes me smile. We also discussed postpartum depression & my doctor & I are both a little concerned with my current state a bit. Nothing to be alarmed about but this pregnancy has had a lot of downs along with ups but I think the downs have greatly effected me. I am not sure if its all the stress we have had with certain issues surrounding us or moving or the fact that Stephen is making less money right now due to the new store or if its just me & all my crazy hormones. I told my doctor my motivation to get anything done this pregnancy is an all time low & it really has effected my over all happiness. I feel like I am not doing all the things I should. Spending one on one time with the girls & working with them on learning time, keeping up with all the house work, making stronger efforts to spend quality time with my husband, eating better, having more of a routine & just being on top of things like I usually am. I know that I am pregnant & things are expected to be out of the norm for a bit but it really bothers me. I have major OCD but I feel like I go crazy over the noise of stuff but I have zero motivation to fix it.. which in return leaves me depressed, anxious & anxiety ridden. I try to remind myself that our house will never look like a model home, the girls are fine they are thriving, happy & getting enough learning & I do enough for now, Stephen knows I love him, eating as I am isn't a bad thing I haven't gained that much weight only 28 pounds & routines can be made after Emma is here. But sometimes I can't seem to be okay with that. I have found nights were I just cry myself to sleep or just can't hold all my frustration in & I get upset & take it out on Stephen. I feel bad.. really bad but I don't know how to control some of these emotions. I also have been very sensitive to others. Their comments & way of speaking to me or about me has really bothered me.. to the point now that if they have hurt me or said something that really bothers me, I cut them off, avoid & block them out of my life for now. I can't handle negative.. anything negative it really really weighs on me more then normal lately & the only way I feel like I can deal with it is to not deal with it which I know in return will later bite me in the butt.
When I was younger I was diagnosed with depression up until my teens I was on all kinds of anti depressant but I couldn't stand depending on a pill to control my happiness so I told myself I needed to take charge of it all & learn to handle my issues. For the most part I have.. over the years I have had some fall outs & probably should have been back on them or in therapy but I still have over come it all. So that is what I am trying to do now.. over come this sadness that I don't welcome. My doctor & I both are going to monitor it close & I promised him that if its a day I can't handle or it increases that I would let him know asap. I feel sad that these feelings are here that I am not strong enough to over come them. A part of me feels like a failure & that I am letting down my family.. which in return only makes it worse.. I know a lot of mom's go through this & I am normal.. I just wish I wasn't one of those mom's. I have not had any harmful thoughts though so lets just make that clear!! I am just sad is all.

One way I am trying to help with my emotions is to read self help or happy books. I never read.. I have had a hard time fitting it in.. but with my insomnia I have been reading now at night. I first read The Vow. It was a great short read & made me want to see the movie more & it was very inspiring but it took me 3 days to read that so now I am on to The Happiness Project. So far I am liking the book a lot & really want to make my own happiness project but I feel so scattered brained I don't even know where to begin.. & also there is my motivation issues.. I plan it all out in my mind but I do nothing to start it.
Another thing I wanted to do that I thought would help me to feel better is start a family binder of routine, activities, recipes & other helpful ideas. But again I bought all the supplies to start it.. but I haven't. So now I am going to return all the supplies.. but I feel like I am giving up which also weighs on me.. why I am giving up.. why can't I just do something I want to do. Why do I feel so confused.. it's like my brain can't think past caring for the kids & doing the things I know I HAVE TO DO. It's like it can't even allow the room to add something else in.

I don't know where this state of mind is going to take me or if it will heal after Emma is hear.. at this point I guess all I can do is pray & look to God for guidance & continue to tell myself it will all work out, it will all be okay & that I am not a failure it's just hard because I want to have control of it all.

I know this post was a little personal.. but I needed to write.. I needed to say what I am feeling in writing because face to face with someone it just doesn't seem to come out right. So I hope others can respect that & not judge it.

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xo Melissa

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