Friday, February 8, 2013

Me, Being Real

Do you ever find yourself in negative thoughts? Or in a moment when what used to make you smile now makes you sad or angry or both? Do wonder if those emotions ever get better or if they just get tolerable?

The last few days I have found myself in moments that make my heart want to scream. I used to love getting in the car jamming the music & just driving, but lately it seems I find myself in deep thought & running through scenarios of what if this had happened or what if this hadn't of happened. I get anxious & sad & I change the music open the windows & breath to try to catch a break for a second & I tell myself.. "Melissa, there is nothing you can do or say or feel that will change the past. This is what is. This is the path that God chose. This is the life that God set in place. This is the life you have to love & embrace & set your self free of all this anger & sadness. Now look in that rearview mirror there are 3 little faces staring at you, who need you, who look up to you, how thrive on your emotions & who need you to guide them through this time in their lives that they may not understand." I then snap out of it & I push forward.

When we first moved to Texas I started listening to the christian channel. It made me feel happy, it spoke the words my heart was wanting to say so badly, it made me feel better inside & I needed my faith again to guide me in this new path that we had taken. Now all of a sudden though I am finding the songs make me emotional & are leaving me feeling sad. It's not the channel its me & what I am going through. You see songs are a great release for sadness, happiness, love or any kind of emotion but it also depends on what you are going through inside & how your reciprocate those words they are singing to you.

I have a heart full of sadness right now. I have had to face a heartache I pray no ever has to go through. I have had to face horror in the face & come back smiling as though it will all be okay. It was only a little over 3 months ago. I remember the last time I saw her smile, heard her laugh, rubbed her pregnant belly, gossiped with her about what to expect when my niece was here. I remember her trying to put my two year old down for a nap & her climbing out of the play pin & her going "that little shit, Missy you have to watch out for her" we laughed. I remember talking about how she wanted to learn to crotchet & that there was this place down the street that offered classes & she wanted to start making hats to sell on my site. I remember talking about what Sierra was going to look like & how nervous she was to actually go into labor. I remember her walking us to my car helping me load my girls & things & hugging good-bye & her thanking me for coming over & her saying "Love you Shi, Gabzilla, Emmie & Miss" I remember looking back in my rearview going damn I love her & I can't wait to meet my niece. I smiled as I drove away so excited that it was almost time for Sierra to be born & because I was so happy at how close Sandy & I had become since we moved back to Seattle.

Lately my walls are coming down & my strength is not as visible. My weakness is shinning through. I tell myself to fight harder to stay stronger. I hide out. I walk away, ignore, block & set focus on other things to hide my sadness, to cover up my pain. You see I never thought on that day, Wednesday October 24th I would be spending my last day with my beautiful sister in law, I never thought we would laugh together for the last time or say I love you for the last time. I thought it was like any other time we said good-bye.. I thought I would see her again in a few days.. but the next time I saw her was at her wake. I had to go & see her to make it real because in my head it was not real.. this was an horrible joke or something.. but I walked up & I saw her & I met my niece Sierra Jo for the first time. I knew it was my Kay because one of the first things I looked for was her birthmark on her right ring finger & it was there. At that instant I broke down. I cried, I felt sick, I felt numb, I felt anger, I felt hate, I felt so awful inside that I couldn't even breath. It was something I never thought I would have to see. My beautiful sister in-law & unborn niece.

To this day I still have doubt that it was really her but then I remind myself that it was. Why would someone play such a horrific joke. It makes me sad. I grieve everyday. I may not grieve like others are grieving but I do. I may just be her stepbrothers wife but I loved her as though she was my little sister.. my blood. I write my feelings, I cry my feelings, I sing my feelings, I workout my feelings & I pray about my feelings. I don't let my girls see me cry about this, I don't let them know how hurt or angry or sad I am about not having their aunt with us & her unborn baby. But I know they feel it. Why because my fuse is short & my voice gets loud. When I am in a moment.. I don't want to hear "mommy mommy" or crying or fighting or "I want I want I want" I want to tune it all out put my headphones on & workout harder & better then I did the last time. So when I feel sad or anxious, I pack my kids up & head to the gym.

Getting in shape is my therapy. Its where I can go & just focus on what I need to do & get out all the tears through my sweat. I get all my punches out through lifting weights, I get to run away on the treadmill & I get to push my self to limits that I couldn't before because I know if I can get through this horrible tragedy then I can get thin, I can get healthy & I can live a better life then what I was before when I was hiding away in my house, crying, drinking, smoking, & eating crap for food. I am doing this for me.. but I am also doing this because I know Sandra would be proud & I know she loved me just as much as I did her & she is here helping me get through this ever second. I may not be able to see her or hear her.. but I know she is pushing me & cheering me on.

So on your bad days or moments.. remember you can do this.. you are stronger then you think & you can make this happen. Reaching your goals is possible you just have to take that first step.. & you have to look your self in the eyes & say "I CAN DO THIS"!!! Because I did & I do everyday & I believe in you!

R.I.P Sandra Kay Perry 12.25.1985 to 10.29.2012
My best friend, little sister, partner in crime, auntie to my girls & sister to my husband we love you & miss you everyday of our lives. Your nieces ask for you daily & love you to the moon & back & to infinity & beyond! Till we meet again know my heart is with you & that when I arrive at heavens gate.. I am going to give you the biggest hug & I am going to shower my niece with all the love I never was able to give her here on earth!

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