Thursday, August 29, 2013

You Are Missed

Nighttime seems to be the worst part of the day for me lately. I find myself unable to sleep & my mind filled with wonder. Last night I stayed up late uploading photo's.. at the end I asked myself if I dare go through photo's of Sandra. Well I did & about 3 minutes into it I started balling.. my heart just can't fathom idea that I/we have to live this life without her. I am still so angry.. how could he do this? How could he be so selfish? Her beauty her grace was magical to see.. her laughter contagious.. her love strong, true & warming. I miss her.. I miss our fights.. our disagreements.. our silly jokes.. our oh duh moments.. I miss going to baseball games, concerts, girls night & just laid back days at home. I just miss her.. even if I never was able to talk or touch her again I would give anything just to know she was here on earth.. that would be okay.. because I would know she was able to live her life.. she would be that amazing momma, she would still giggle, be silly & her glow would still brighten someones day.

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"The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides." -Audrey Hepburn

I know healing takes time. I know that in time I will cry less & my heart won't feel so broken.. but to be honest right now that moment doesn't seem like it will ever come because this is just not something one can ever get over. I ask God to guide me & to lift me up when I am weak but I know he is telling me "it's okay to cry, it's okay to be angry" but he is also telling me "its not okay to stop living, to stop laughing & to stop letting others in" I need to learn to live life without her & know that even though I can't see her or feel her touch.. she is with me always in my heart. 

No matter how angry I am or hurt, I know there are others hurting just as bad or worse. I know that we all are trying to move forward & find the beauty in things again. If I could have just one wish.. it would be to hug & squeeze her & Sierra just one last time & tell them just how much I love them & how much they are missed.

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"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. You heard me say to you, ‘I am going away, and I will come to you.’ If you loved me, you would have rejoiced, because I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. And now I have told you before it takes place, so that when it does take place you may believe." -John 14:27-29

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