Thursday, October 31, 2013

I am Blessed


Last month I started really getting back to my faith. This entire year I have tried to get  back to it.. I felt lost. I felt alone & I felt like I was in this super dark place & that I just needed to find my faith again.

When you lose a loved one(s) so tragically its hard to accept. To deal, to forgive & to understand. For me I lost my faith.. I was angry. I was questioning why God would ever do this.. why would he take such a beautiful life away & her unborn child!

Then we moved to Texas. I started  looking for outlets.. I tried to get back to my sewing, I tried to start up my photography business here, I started drinking more & then I started feeling hopeless often. I felt like if something bad was going to happen it was going to happen to us to our family. In February I found out my dad had liver cancer, in July I found out my Papa (my mom's dad) has Alzheimer's, then the house we were trying to buy fell through, money was so tight I didn't know how we would make ends met, we were homeless & we just asking WHY? when we had lost so much already These illness, the let downs, the financial struggles again placed me/us in this dark place of feeling hopeless. After taking in all this news I told my husband we need to go to church more, we need to find some good in all this. I need to find me again, I need to find my faith again & I need to resort all this hopelessness with my faith & prayer. I decided I was no longer going to take on the challenge of reinventing my photography here in San Antonio, that I wasn't going to force my self to sit down & sew, that I wasn't going to waste more time & money on trying to sell Scentsy & Intitials, I told myself & made a promise to me that I was going to start focusing on what matters most. My family, My self & My faith.

We started going to church every Sunday & I started listening to the message at church. I started talking to him, praying to him & I started feeling this light at the end of this dark tunnel. I started feeling free & good & happy & I was excited, but I wanted more.

I then was asked to go with my sister in law to our churches MOPS group. I was nervous, I was unsure if I would fit in & I was scared. But I told myself its time to try new things, meet new people & to be more involved. So I went. Instantly I felt welcomed, wanted & apart of something special. Everyone was so open to having me there & so friendly.

One of my MOPS group mom's really just embraced me.. has always made it a point to talk with me, to say hello at mass & church activities. I have just felt this huge need to know her.

A few's week's back I started adding some of the mom's from my MOPS group into my Facebook world.. at first I was nervous because to some, I tend to over share on Facebook & maybe I do but like my blog its my outlet.. & its my safe place to say what I am feeling. But I honestly felt like I needed to let them know who I was without having to come out & say.. "Hi I am Melissa, I am a mother of three, wife to an amazing man & I am learning to live again after loss" I mean who says that ha! But I wanted them to know that I joined MOPS & I go every time because it helps me. It makes me feel like there is so much more then sadness & darkness in this life & that there are good people out there. I wanted them to know that I may appear put together but that I was secretly falling apart or at least trying to put myself back together. I didn't realize this fully until a few days ago that I needed people to know me.. the real me & our story.. because what people share & show on social media is most defiantly not the full story most of the time.

At our churches festival she made it a point to come say hello to me, at the moment I felt like WOW she remembers me, & WOW how kind of her to come over & say hello & ask how I was & it made me feel good. Then at church in the nursery she came over again & said hello & introduced herself to my husband. Then earlier this week she reached out to me on Facebook & asked for my number, so she could keep in touch with me. She also sent prayers to me & my family on Tuesday the anniversary of Sandra & Sierra's death & it just meant so much to me.

Then this morning.. I saw a missed call from her.. I listen to her message & her words really stuck to my heart.. "Hi Melissa, I just wanted to visit with you a little bit" I am not sure why but I got choked up. I stepped outside to call her back, she was instantly so friendly & so easy to talk with. She wanted to know more about me, she wanted to share her story & she told me that she has been very drawn to me. She said she has read my post, my blog & felt like she had this calling. She asked me if I was going to the ACTS Retreat this year & I explained that I was suppose to be on the waiting list since it filled up the first week. She said well, I know I told you I have wanted to go for some time but for some reason I don't feel its my time. I am signed up but I feel like I am suppose to give you my place to go & she asked if I would be able to do that. I was speechless. I felt like I was being offered the lottery but it was better then money it was an amazing gift.. It was like a golden ticket to the chocolate factory but in fact it was so much more. I wanted to scream in excitement & cry all at the same time. Her kindness, her loving spirit & her need to help me meant more then any money, meant more then all the chocolate in the world & it was a true blessing & gift.

I am still sitting here in awe over how amazing this woman is. I feel so blessed to be able to know such a giving, caring & loving person. I am still in shock over her kindness, her words & the gift she has offered me. I don't know if there is ever going to be enough to show her how truly grateful I am.

To be able to go on this retreat would be the most amazing thing. To be able to met, grow & learn with other women of my faith, I know will better me as a person, will heal the broken feeling inside, will fulfill all lost hope & will bring me closer to God.

I don't think I have ever been show such kindness from someone I just met. I didn't know that meeting her would bring so much joy to my life. I am forever grateful for her kindness & for showing me that their are true angels here on earth watching over us & who are drawn to us in some way or another. I know that God placed her in my life for great reason & this is just one of those reasons & I can't wait to grow our friendship & to give back to her someday the gift she has given to me. I am forever thankful to this women & I feel so honored to know her.




Thank You 4 The LOVE

So I went to log into my blog last night & look at my stats.. I have to say I have a love hate relationship with my blog. I love writing & let out what is going in mel mel land.. but sometimes I am like freak! I have no time! or What do I write.. am I boring.. but then tonight I logged in & saw this

Pageviews today
23
Pageviews yesterday
63
Pageviews last month
904
Pageviews all time history
50,012

I mean gasp!! really!! 50,012 page views. I mean I have been blogging since 2009 or 2010 I should say. I never started blogging to earn money & I still don't earn money. I simply started to share my stories. Weather they are sad, happy, boring or silly. I love to write even though I am horrible at spelling & with grammar. I feel like my life is nothing out of the ordinary but for some reason people are drawn to my blog which makes me feel all special inside.. not in a kinky way either but in a happy joyful way. 

I want to thank all my readers & one time visitors & people who just want to be noisy because what ever your intentions are for visiting it still makes me feel special :) 

I need to be more frequent on here. I feel like I have my funny self back after this last year of hiding.. & I think we are on hold for now on getting prego so I should have the energy &  time (well there is never enough time for anything with three small kids) to get back on here even if its just to share a funny story or conversation with my two year old. 

So this is one happy mama & this is just another reason as to why I am so lucky.. & why my blog name just rules because it just suits me.. The Lucky Mama.. xo

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

One Year

Today we will not morn the death of Sandra Kay & Sierra Jo Perry. Today we will celebrate Sandra's life & Sierra's time in the womb. My tears today will be happy tears remembering her grace, her love, her beauty. For I shall not live my life in darkness any longer. Today I place my heart over to the Lord asking for strength to love, accept & be at peace with this tragedy. Today I ask that you pray for my family, for our friends & for those who knew & loved our beautiful girls. Toady we shall spend our day remembering her, loving her & knowing that one day we shall meet again.

Let us pray in a moment of silence for Sandra Kay & Sierra Jo. Let us find strength to be at peace & open our hearts & release all sadness. For she would want us living a happy life & for them I will. For them I will never give up the faith & belief that Sandra & her baby girl Sierra are in a happier place full of love & laughter & that all sadness & hurt have been erased. For them I pray Amen 

RIP Sandra Kay Perry 12.25.1985 to 10.29.2012 Sierra Jo Perry 10.29.2012 to 10.29.2012



Sunday, October 13, 2013

Miracles


This month is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. For all those fighting the silent battle, for those too afraid to walk away, for those who are waiting for the strength deep within you to take over.. just know that you have that fight & you can do this & that miracles do happen. Please don't ever stop believe that you are loved & that their is a beautiful life ahead of you away from the sadness, the darkness & tears. It is waiting for you & wanting you to move forward. 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

My Real Life ::Sigh::

My husband leaves at 6:30am & is rarely home before 8pm & works 5 days a week with 2 separate days off a week. I have a hard time getting out of bed before 9am even though my kids are up at 8ish. I shower maybe every other day if that. I hardly wear make up & my eye brows are never groomed. I wear a ton of workout close but honestly NEVER workout. I have issues with my weight & weigh myself every morning & track it in my weight book.. yes I am compulsive but it doesn't stop there I have anxiety, insomnia & horrible OCD. I hold in my sadness & cry when no one is around. Music has a weird way of getting emotion out of me & writing is the only way for me to express it. I have zero desire to stop being a stay at home mom but some days I feel I am failing at raising my girls the way I envisioned I would. I have to take Zolft daily because without it I am a nutcase. I recently quit smoking (unless drinking) & I hate it because I feel like it kept me sane on my bad days. Moving to Texas left me missing my friends & our old life but anxious for our new life to really start. People call me supermom but honestly I have a long list of todo's but continuously tell myself I can't. I love being a mom even though it's overwhelming at times & crazy enough I want just one more.. but not until we can financially afford it & are not living in a two bedroom apartment. I am learning to love me again, accept this tragic event that took apart of me away & accepting that all my close friends are hundreds of miles away. I am learning to build new friendships & allowing others in but you know what its damn hard. I am trying to just live in the moment & not overload my days with more then I can take on & make my days about the girls & less about keeping my mind busy. My husband is my rock, he believes in me & makes me feel like a super model.. for that I am forever the luckiest lady alive. I pray for the day I feel whole.. or normal.. but honestly I have no clue as to what that is.. but I am forever searching it seems. I have dreams & inspirations but I also know that in real life.. this is the most amazing life & I should stop saying the what ifs or ask when it is our turn because you know what we have a lot, even if its not much to most..because its everything to me.. & I need to remind myself of that more often.. life is good.. it may not always be great but I am learning that if I keep my faith strong & surround myself with others who are faithful I can & I will rise above this dark cloud that seems to keep me down most days. I need to thank the Lord for providing & guiding me to this life.. I have to stop living in the past & missing what was because this is what is now & this is my life.. & its time I start embracing it!

Sorry for this ramble.. sometimes I let my mind go I have to write it out.


ACTS


Please pray for me. I have a calling to go to this years Women's ACTS Retreat with my church. It's a three day three night Catholic-based retreat presented by fellow parishioners. The purpose is to provide an opportunity for retreatants to develop a deeper relationship with the Lord & fellow parishioners through Adoration and daily prayer; through community in one's parish as a member of the Body of Christ; through Theology or the teaching of our Catholic faith by encouraging more study; and , to instill a virtue of Service to our Lord, our parish and each other.

I feel that this is the time for me to attend. I feel like it will provide healing, acceptance & allow me spiritual growth. I want to take in the experience & feel God's love & Joy. I want to return to my parish with a deeper love for my parish & achieve my desire to become more involved in my parish faith & community.

This Retreat is November 21st- 24th & I am hoping that I find funds to attend. I am going to be contacting my church to see if I can be sponsored because even though its just $165 to attend, those funds are not available to me at this time to afford it at this time. This is only once a year & I pray I can attend & not have to wait until next year.

As most of you know I have been through a huge loss in my life & I need this retreat I feel it will play a huge roll in helping me forgive, heal & find peace with all of this. I feel like this is a huge step for me to leave my children, husband & comfort zone & attend this retreat not knowing anyone. I think it will help me build a stronger relationship with my church, my faith & help me to meet others in need of healing.

Please pray that I get sponsored & that I am able to attend.

ACTS is an acronym for Adoration, Community, Theology & Service. It's these 4 themes that are the focus of the activities during the weekend.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart & lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him; & he will make your path straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Letter's To Kay Kay

Dear Kay,

Today is the first of October. This time last year I was anxiously awaiting my niece's arrival, you were super pregnant & ready to have her at any moment. I was taking you out weekly to keep your spirits up. We would go to Babies R Us or the craft store. I would buy you fast food because  the monster wouldn't let you eat it because he said you were too fat. We would laugh together, talk about your fears of becoming a mommy. We would make hair bows for our girls & talk about what Sierra would look like. We would talk about opening our own boutique & making sure our babies were together all the time & went to the same school. Our relationship was so close.. but now I look back & see I was blind.. & I didn't see the warning signs.

Here we are a year later & I am sitting here thinking of what would be. How life would & could have been so very different. We could all be here in Texas.. we could have you away from that horrible horrible monster. You would have your baby girl.. she would almost be a year old. We would have gone through so many silly moments & memories. Sierra would be the light of our lives & you would feel free & would have so much love around you.. & our hearts would not be so very broken.
This last year has been the hardest of our lives. Your dad & mom are lost without you. Rose misses you so much that talking about you breaks her. Joey needs his baby sister to talk to, to tease, to love & just to hug. Stephen can't even talk about you as though you are gone & Andrew is just so confused on what to do or say or feel. Lo & I, we are missing our other piece & Katie only gets to imagine what your relationship would be like but we all know you two would be so so close just like you are with Lo & I. I am not sure how your sisters are or Kyle but I know we are all lost. All your grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces & nephews & friends weep for you. Our entire family lost two of the most important parts of our lives, you & Sierra. We wish for answers but can't seem to get answers we need to heal. We cry & yell & push each other away because no one comes close to you.. or the relationship we all had with you. Your smile is forever an imprint in our minds & our love for  you goes without say.

We all miss you Kay Kay.. we know you are always with us in spirit & we pray for you & know now you are at peace.. we love you with ever fiber of our being & we will not let your voice be silent & we will make sure your life & story be heard.

Your mom & girlfriends do a great job at helping others.. I don't know where they find the strength.. but I proud of what they are doing. I hope in time I can find a way to carry your story, share it & spread awareness to others who may be in this nightmare. I promise in time I will have strength to follow through with that promise.. I promise.

We love you my angels forever & always,
xoxo
Missy

"I miss all us kids being silly together.. laughing, loving.. but mostly I miss your beauty & grace & your amazing heart."


This month on October 29th marks a year since that monster took yours & your unborn babies life. This month is going to be the hardest to get through.. but with prayer, family & friends I will push through. I know I have to suck up the sadness & start spreading awareness. For you I will always fight & for you I will never stop spreading awareness to this silent & deadly killer.

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