Thursday, October 31, 2013

I am Blessed

Last month I started really getting back to my faith. This entire year I have tried to get  back to it.. I felt lost. I felt alone & I felt like I was in this super dark place & that I just needed to find my faith again.

When you lose a loved one(s) so tragically its hard to accept. To deal, to forgive & to understand. For me I lost my faith.. I was angry. I was questioning why God would ever do this.. why would he take such a beautiful life away & her unborn child!

Then we moved to Texas. I started  looking for outlets.. I tried to get back to my sewing, I tried to start up my photography business here, I started drinking more & then I started feeling hopeless often. I felt like if something bad was going to happen it was going to happen to us to our family. In February I found out my dad had liver cancer, in July I found out my Papa (my mom's dad) has Alzheimer's, then the house we were trying to buy fell through, money was so tight I didn't know how we would make ends met, we were homeless & we just asking WHY? when we had lost so much already These illness, the let downs, the financial struggles again placed me/us in this dark place of feeling hopeless. After taking in all this news I told my husband we need to go to church more, we need to find some good in all this. I need to find me again, I need to find my faith again & I need to resort all this hopelessness with my faith & prayer. I decided I was no longer going to take on the challenge of reinventing my photography here in San Antonio, that I wasn't going to force my self to sit down & sew, that I wasn't going to waste more time & money on trying to sell Scentsy & Intitials, I told myself & made a promise to me that I was going to start focusing on what matters most. My family, My self & My faith.

We started going to church every Sunday & I started listening to the message at church. I started talking to him, praying to him & I started feeling this light at the end of this dark tunnel. I started feeling free & good & happy & I was excited, but I wanted more.

I then was asked to go with my sister in law to our churches MOPS group. I was nervous, I was unsure if I would fit in & I was scared. But I told myself its time to try new things, meet new people & to be more involved. So I went. Instantly I felt welcomed, wanted & apart of something special. Everyone was so open to having me there & so friendly.

One of my MOPS group mom's really just embraced me.. has always made it a point to talk with me, to say hello at mass & church activities. I have just felt this huge need to know her.

A few's week's back I started adding some of the mom's from my MOPS group into my Facebook world.. at first I was nervous because to some, I tend to over share on Facebook & maybe I do but like my blog its my outlet.. & its my safe place to say what I am feeling. But I honestly felt like I needed to let them know who I was without having to come out & say.. "Hi I am Melissa, I am a mother of three, wife to an amazing man & I am learning to live again after loss" I mean who says that ha! But I wanted them to know that I joined MOPS & I go every time because it helps me. It makes me feel like there is so much more then sadness & darkness in this life & that there are good people out there. I wanted them to know that I may appear put together but that I was secretly falling apart or at least trying to put myself back together. I didn't realize this fully until a few days ago that I needed people to know me.. the real me & our story.. because what people share & show on social media is most defiantly not the full story most of the time.

At our churches festival she made it a point to come say hello to me, at the moment I felt like WOW she remembers me, & WOW how kind of her to come over & say hello & ask how I was & it made me feel good. Then at church in the nursery she came over again & said hello & introduced herself to my husband. Then earlier this week she reached out to me on Facebook & asked for my number, so she could keep in touch with me. She also sent prayers to me & my family on Tuesday the anniversary of Sandra & Sierra's death & it just meant so much to me.

Then this morning.. I saw a missed call from her.. I listen to her message & her words really stuck to my heart.. "Hi Melissa, I just wanted to visit with you a little bit" I am not sure why but I got choked up. I stepped outside to call her back, she was instantly so friendly & so easy to talk with. She wanted to know more about me, she wanted to share her story & she told me that she has been very drawn to me. She said she has read my post, my blog & felt like she had this calling. She asked me if I was going to the ACTS Retreat this year & I explained that I was suppose to be on the waiting list since it filled up the first week. She said well, I know I told you I have wanted to go for some time but for some reason I don't feel its my time. I am signed up but I feel like I am suppose to give you my place to go & she asked if I would be able to do that. I was speechless. I felt like I was being offered the lottery but it was better then money it was an amazing gift.. It was like a golden ticket to the chocolate factory but in fact it was so much more. I wanted to scream in excitement & cry all at the same time. Her kindness, her loving spirit & her need to help me meant more then any money, meant more then all the chocolate in the world & it was a true blessing & gift.

I am still sitting here in awe over how amazing this woman is. I feel so blessed to be able to know such a giving, caring & loving person. I am still in shock over her kindness, her words & the gift she has offered me. I don't know if there is ever going to be enough to show her how truly grateful I am.

To be able to go on this retreat would be the most amazing thing. To be able to met, grow & learn with other women of my faith, I know will better me as a person, will heal the broken feeling inside, will fulfill all lost hope & will bring me closer to God.

I don't think I have ever been show such kindness from someone I just met. I didn't know that meeting her would bring so much joy to my life. I am forever grateful for her kindness & for showing me that their are true angels here on earth watching over us & who are drawn to us in some way or another. I know that God placed her in my life for great reason & this is just one of those reasons & I can't wait to grow our friendship & to give back to her someday the gift she has given to me. I am forever thankful to this women & I feel so honored to know her.

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xo Melissa


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