Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Letter's To Kay Kay

Dear Kay,

Today is the first of October. This time last year I was anxiously awaiting my niece's arrival, you were super pregnant & ready to have her at any moment. I was taking you out weekly to keep your spirits up. We would go to Babies R Us or the craft store. I would buy you fast food because  the monster wouldn't let you eat it because he said you were too fat. We would laugh together, talk about your fears of becoming a mommy. We would make hair bows for our girls & talk about what Sierra would look like. We would talk about opening our own boutique & making sure our babies were together all the time & went to the same school. Our relationship was so close.. but now I look back & see I was blind.. & I didn't see the warning signs.

Here we are a year later & I am sitting here thinking of what would be. How life would & could have been so very different. We could all be here in Texas.. we could have you away from that horrible horrible monster. You would have your baby girl.. she would almost be a year old. We would have gone through so many silly moments & memories. Sierra would be the light of our lives & you would feel free & would have so much love around you.. & our hearts would not be so very broken.
This last year has been the hardest of our lives. Your dad & mom are lost without you. Rose misses you so much that talking about you breaks her. Joey needs his baby sister to talk to, to tease, to love & just to hug. Stephen can't even talk about you as though you are gone & Andrew is just so confused on what to do or say or feel. Lo & I, we are missing our other piece & Katie only gets to imagine what your relationship would be like but we all know you two would be so so close just like you are with Lo & I. I am not sure how your sisters are or Kyle but I know we are all lost. All your grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces & nephews & friends weep for you. Our entire family lost two of the most important parts of our lives, you & Sierra. We wish for answers but can't seem to get answers we need to heal. We cry & yell & push each other away because no one comes close to you.. or the relationship we all had with you. Your smile is forever an imprint in our minds & our love for  you goes without say.

We all miss you Kay Kay.. we know you are always with us in spirit & we pray for you & know now you are at peace.. we love you with ever fiber of our being & we will not let your voice be silent & we will make sure your life & story be heard.

Your mom & girlfriends do a great job at helping others.. I don't know where they find the strength.. but I proud of what they are doing. I hope in time I can find a way to carry your story, share it & spread awareness to others who may be in this nightmare. I promise in time I will have strength to follow through with that promise.. I promise.

We love you my angels forever & always,

"I miss all us kids being silly together.. laughing, loving.. but mostly I miss your beauty & grace & your amazing heart."

This month on October 29th marks a year since that monster took yours & your unborn babies life. This month is going to be the hardest to get through.. but with prayer, family & friends I will push through. I know I have to suck up the sadness & start spreading awareness. For you I will always fight & for you I will never stop spreading awareness to this silent & deadly killer.

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xo Melissa


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