Wednesday, October 9, 2013

My Real Life ::Sigh::

My husband leaves at 6:30am & is rarely home before 8pm & works 5 days a week with 2 separate days off a week. I have a hard time getting out of bed before 9am even though my kids are up at 8ish. I shower maybe every other day if that. I hardly wear make up & my eye brows are never groomed. I wear a ton of workout close but honestly NEVER workout. I have issues with my weight & weigh myself every morning & track it in my weight book.. yes I am compulsive but it doesn't stop there I have anxiety, insomnia & horrible OCD. I hold in my sadness & cry when no one is around. Music has a weird way of getting emotion out of me & writing is the only way for me to express it. I have zero desire to stop being a stay at home mom but some days I feel I am failing at raising my girls the way I envisioned I would. I have to take Zolft daily because without it I am a nutcase. I recently quit smoking (unless drinking) & I hate it because I feel like it kept me sane on my bad days. Moving to Texas left me missing my friends & our old life but anxious for our new life to really start. People call me supermom but honestly I have a long list of todo's but continuously tell myself I can't. I love being a mom even though it's overwhelming at times & crazy enough I want just one more.. but not until we can financially afford it & are not living in a two bedroom apartment. I am learning to love me again, accept this tragic event that took apart of me away & accepting that all my close friends are hundreds of miles away. I am learning to build new friendships & allowing others in but you know what its damn hard. I am trying to just live in the moment & not overload my days with more then I can take on & make my days about the girls & less about keeping my mind busy. My husband is my rock, he believes in me & makes me feel like a super model.. for that I am forever the luckiest lady alive. I pray for the day I feel whole.. or normal.. but honestly I have no clue as to what that is.. but I am forever searching it seems. I have dreams & inspirations but I also know that in real life.. this is the most amazing life & I should stop saying the what ifs or ask when it is our turn because you know what we have a lot, even if its not much to most..because its everything to me.. & I need to remind myself of that more often.. life is good.. it may not always be great but I am learning that if I keep my faith strong & surround myself with others who are faithful I can & I will rise above this dark cloud that seems to keep me down most days. I need to thank the Lord for providing & guiding me to this life.. I have to stop living in the past & missing what was because this is what is now & this is my life.. & its time I start embracing it!

Sorry for this ramble.. sometimes I let my mind go I have to write it out.


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